Siege of the Island
by Vianerd
Summary: Story about Conker going back to Timber's Island to sort some stuff out. Really old story, and really bad too. I'd get rid of it, but it's nostalgic! If you wanna read, oh, I dunno, a good story instead, you should look for the revamp "The Scourge of the Island - Rewritten and Reloaded" instead. Same premise, same characters, except a lot more professional. Okay bye.
1. Part Uno: Enter the Squirrel

On popular demand (yeah right) I decided to also upload my first-ever finished fic here! Formerly known as Scourge of the Island. Of course, it's mostly about Conker, so basic knowledge of Bad Fur Day required, but there's a lot and then I mean a LOT of references to the first Conker game too, Conker's Pocket Tales, and it takes place on the island where Diddy Kong Racing took place, so some of those characters return too! Yeah, not all of them though. Banjo and Kazooie do, though. Muaha.

So yeah, enjoy! If that's even possible, heh.

Contains TimberxPipsy, ConkerxBerri, and ConkerxPipsy (this one mostly just innocent friendship, but oh well)

It's all finished, so don't expect any updates.

* * *

It was dreary outside. To say the least, the weather was weird. It was supposedly summer, yet the sun didn't care to show itself to warm the earth for many days. Rain drops fell from the sky on the cold grassy plains of the Willow Woods. Somewhere deeply hidden in the woods was a small yellow house. Rustic and idyllic. That house was what Conker called home.

At least, all those years ago. Ever since he got crowned king of all the land, everyone knew who he was, everyone adored him, everyone knew him as the one who defeated the Evil Panther-Type King. (frankly, he didn't even kill the villain himself, it was that alien who decided to burst out of said king's chest.) Though he didn't care. Soon enough he moved back to his old house down in the Woods. He didn't ask for any of this. All he wanted to do was to be together with his beloved girlfriend. But she was gone. Gone forever. He usually reminisced all the good times they had together... though that only made him even more sad. And those weird acorn-like people didn't help either.

On a faithful day, Conker waked up in his old house. He had another dream, though he couldn't quite recall about what. Quickly he changed into his clothes, went downstairs and plopped down on the couch, turning on the TV. As usual, his favourite channel was broadcasting only commercials.  
'Need to get out of the same ol' boring business? Visit Gruntilda's Lair. For all your adventuring needs. Spiral Mountain, Isle o' Hags. (note; we're not responsible if you are killed by monsters.)'  
'New! Mepsipax extra-extra-extra-extra light. Tastes just like water.'  
'Cilit BANG! And the dirt is... still... there...'  
Conker sighed. Why wasn't there anything on when he decided to watch TV for no reason at all? He turned the thing off, stood up, unfolded an umbrella, and walked outside.  
It was raining, though the sun did shine. Only just a bit. He walked down the path near his house, paying close attention to not stray off the path. Last time he did that, it didn't end up too well. (that's an understatement.) Of course, he vowed to not get drunk ever again – as of now he managed it quite well.  
Along the way he picked some flowers and eventually placed them on a hill. On the top of that hill stood a single willow tree that was one of the biggest in the forest. The place was very familiar to Conker, because he and Berri often laid under it, gazing at the clouds for hours, ever since they were kids, and often discussed pointless little things. Kids were like that. Sadly, those days were long gone.  
'Hey, Berri. If you can hear me... well, I'm right here.' Conker said, folding up his umbrella and looking up to the sky. Small rain drops fell to his face.  
'I hope everything's going well over there, with Gregg and all... I moved back to our old house, that palace and all those guys were killin' me.'  
Silence. Conker kept talking.  
'Really, I probably don't look like it much... but... I miss ya.' Was he crying? He didn't notice and wiped away his tears.  
'Well, um... see ya,' he managed to say, picked up his umbrella and unfolded it. Slowly he began to pace back to his house, to fill the days with pointless things like videogames and television. Maybe internet.  
Suddenly, a squawking sound met his ears. He looked towards the way where it came from and noticed a yellow-red-green-coloured parrot flying in circles through the willow trees. It seemed lost and carried a note with him. He squawked something that sounded an awful lot like he was addressing Conker himself...  
'Oi, bird!' Conker yelled towards the parrot. 'If it's me yer lookin' for, I'm right o'er here!'  
The bird saw it and landed clumsily on Conker's umbrella.  
'What's it with ya? Why do you need me anyway?'  
The bird peeked over the edge of the umbrella and handed the squirrel a note.  
'...A note?'  
The parrot nodded.  
"Conker the Squirrel  
Willow Woods 1"  
Sure enough it was even addressed to him.  
'Alright then...' He unfolded the paper and began reading.

"Good afternoon/evening/anything else,  
I don't know if you're still the same annoying brat you used to be, but please come over to Timber's Island if you got any free time. There's bad stuff going on here. We'll rendezvous in the main hub if you get there.  
- Timber the Tiger"

Annoying brat? But hey, those guys? Hadn't they forgotten about him? It would be too good to be true, right? Sure enough it was. He cared enough to mail him. But it must be something really bad over at that island if he actually did...  
'Thanks, bird!' he said, quickly hot-footed it back to his house, and gathered some useful stuff. You would never know if there weren't any context-sensitive pads around on that island. He wanted to go to the boat builder to get there as fast as he could, but in a flash he remembered something. Quickly he ran up to the hill and looked up towards the clouds.  
'Hey, Berri! I'm going on another adventure!' he said. 'I... don't really wanna. But it's my friends over there, you know them, right?'  
Silence.  
'I hope you can help me now from where you are, cuz' I'm... a bit scared...'  
Just then, a wonder happened. The clouds broke up and a ray of light shone down, just on the red squirrel that was talking to the sky. He shielded his eyes.  
Conker didn't dare saying anything. He just stood there. Was that...?  
'I promise I'll return unscathed,' he said, making an attempt to run off. 'And if I won't... well, see ya soon.'  
The light faded.  
'I'm sorry I couldn't stay any longer.'  
Quickly he ran off towards Mako Islands.


	2. Part Deux: Boat Builders and Bears oh my

It was just like he had remembered all those years ago, the sparkling sea that stretched out as far as the eye could see and the sharks slowly swimming just under the surface. Better not go in the water now. But over here it wasn't nearly sunny, it was just cold and dreary... like in the woods. Conker quickly ran over to the boat builder's place. He carefully opened the door.

'Oi, Ted! You in there?' It had been so long ago that he visited the islands. He wondered if the old acorn still remembered that squirrel that was in search of his girlfriend that one day, roughly 12 years ago.  
The acorn man turned around. As soon as he saw Conker, his eyes widened.  
'Oh my giddy aunt. Is that -'  
'Yeah, it's me. I have no time to explain.' Conker quickly said. 'Listen, I have to get to Timber's Island, pronto. You got a good boat?'  
Silence. After a while, Ted said something.  
'Timber's Island, eh? You sure about that?'  
'Sure enough,' Conker answered. 'Is there a problem with that?'  
'Not exactly,' the old boat builder acorn man began. 'Though it has changed much in the last ten years.'  
Conker tilted his head. 'How d'you mean?'  
'Exactly as I'm sayin',' Ted said. 'Supposedly an evil thing has taken over and it's not like it was before...'  
Conker lifted an eyebrow. 'Evil thing? Well, get me a boat and I'm outta here -'  
The acorn man jumped up and walked outside. 'Sure, follow me,'  
Conker did as he was told as he followed the boat builder to the jetty.  
'Nice boat.'  
'Sure is, and she's fast too,' he said. 'You'll get there in less than half an hour.'  
'Nice.' Conker stepped in the small motorboat, albeit wobbly, while the boat builder gave him instructions. Soon enough the boat rocketed across the water surface.  
'Good luck! And don't tell anyone I didn't warn ya!'  
No response. Ted grumbled.  
'Kids these days...'

As soon as Conker took off, he kept thinking about that "evil thing" that Ted rambled on about. What was it? Had that pig returned? That 'to be continued' message near the end of the racing gang's first adventure didn't help either. He'd find out soon enough. After just a half hour he saw land that he immediately recognized as Timber's Island. The boat slowed down and reached the beach.  
At least, it was once a beach.  
What was once a brightly-lit sandy beach was now a deserted grey place. The numerous palm trees that stood there once were knocked over like a bunch of toothpicks. The lighthouse was still there but it was heavily damaged.  
'That was what he warned me about,' Conker said to himself as he walked over to the main hub.  
But even there, nobody was to be seen. Instead of the lush green fields and frog-infested waters that were the place's most recognizable feats, it was all dusty, dark, and grey, cloaked in a thick mist. The sculpture of the elephant genie's head that was carved in the mountain, once so majestic, lost all of its sheen and the golden paint was beginning to chip off. Not to mention the moat was all dried out, only some frogs remaining, albeit dead.  
'What the _heck_ has happened here?' Conker yelled out. Was this the place he frolicked around with all his buddies when he was little? Was this the place they held kart-racing competitions? Was this -  
'Shh, keep it down!' a voice hissed.  
Wait, who was that? Soon enough, something jumped at him and hid both of them in the bushes.  
'What the -'  
'Keep your voice down,'  
Just then, thunder struck.  
'Whoa, thanks. I would've been fried if it weren't for -'  
A hand slapped over his mouth. More thunder.  
Conker pulled the hand away and started to whisper. 'I'm sorry.'  
'It's alright, we should have told you earlier...'  
Wait, who was that in the first place?  
'If you don't mind me asking, what brings you here, Conker?'  
'Wait, how do you know my name? Wh- ' he suddenly remembered that he should be quiet, and inspected the other more closely. Apparently, it was a female bear, her blonde hair in pigtails. She wore a black T-shirt with a single star on it, and purple pants.  
'You remind me of someone... I dunno... what's his name...' he mumbled.  
'Banjo?' she asked.  
'Yeah, Banjo. That'd be him. Man, it was so long ago... do you know him?'  
'He's my brother.'  
Wait, her brother? That'd explain everything.  
'We've heard so much about you.' She said, a bit more friendly now, and smiled. 'Banjo said you were always so eager and ready to help.'  
Conker went silent for a moment. If only she knew how he was now...  
'Eh.. not so much nowadays...' he just said. 'It's a long story. But eh, where's the others?'  
'Oh, some of us are hiding underground. We don't race anymore, it's just too dangerous. Most of us fled to other islands to either pursue their dreams or to hide. Some of us who're still here ride on bikes to get to places faster... A couple of guys are checking on the Dino Domain, and my brother's exploring the skies of the Dragon Forest.'  
The skies? How could a bear -  
'...With Kazooie, of course. Kazooie's his best friend, a red-crested Breegull.'  
Oh, of course. He constantly said he was keeping a Breegull egg in his backpack back then...  
'Here it's dangerous. I dunno what Timber was thinking, directing you over here...'  
Conker looked around. 'We had... kind of a rivalry when we were younger... I forgot about what though,' he said and grinned. 'He never liked me much anyway.'  
'Anyway, we can't stay here. Follow me,' she said after a while. 'We gotta get underground.'  
Conker followed without hesitation. 'Oh, and by the way, what's your name?' he asked.  
She stopped in her tracks and looked behind her. 'I'm Tooty. C'mon, follow me, I think it's going to rain sometime soon,'  
Quickly, they hurried to the main underground meeting place.


	3. Part Threeus: Old friends and arguments

Eventually they reached the makeshift underground hub before it started to rain. Ever since the main hub got possessed, they resided underground for meetings and important weren't many others around. Conker just spotted a tiger and a badger sitting near a small, lit fireplace.  
He recognized them as Timber and Bumper.

'Hey, guys!' Tooty said and walked up to them. She started talking. Conker was still standing in the entrance, though after a while the female bear said that he had to come over.  
'Hey, if it ain't Conker,' Timber sneered. Man, he was just like Conker remembered him. Tall, striped, and annoying. 'I'm glad that you could come over. I mean, I'm sure it wouldn't work out without you...'  
'That's... quite out of character for you.' Conker said. 'You don't hate me anymore?'  
'Why should I?' came the answer. 'No point in hating someone you never see anyway.'  
'Oh.'  
Weird. Twelve years ago they were mortal enemies and now they could just have a discussion without tearing each others' throats open.  
'Yeh, it's good t' see ya again, mate,' Bumper added. 'I mean, it was all so... boring wi'out ya.'  
'Oh? That's nice of you to say.'  
'Why don'tcha take a seat?'  
'Uhh, sure.'  
He sat down on a small seat near the fireplace, making sure his tail wasn't in the way.  
'What's going on here? It's all so... dead. It's not the place I remembered from my childhood at all,' he said.  
'I honestly don't know,' Timber answered. 'It all started one year ago. Lightning shot down from the sky and everyone was panicking... it was awful. Since then we've been moving underground...'  
'Yeah, we think that th' ol' pig has returned, or maybe something even worse...' Bumper added again. 'but all we know is that it ain't save in the main clearing. Th' forests, th' islands, Dino Domain and Everfrost Peak are save for now, but for how long, we don't know. And Diddy couldn't come either, Kremlings were acting up...'  
'Yeah, it's awful, really. Tiptup, Drumstick, and the rest left for the Isle o' Hags, and T.T. moved over to Piñata Island to judge competitions, so we're gonna have to do this without their help...'  
Suddenly, the door creaked and someone came slumping in.  
'Ugh, dreadful rainy weather... oh, hi guys.'  
Upon hearing the voice, Tooty jumped up and embraced the newcomer.  
'Hi, big bro! Is everything okay?'  
'Yeah, I'm fine, now let go, you're strangling me,'  
The younger bear did as she was told and went to sit near the fireplace again.  
Conker knew he would recognize those yellow shorts and that blue backpack anywhere. He grinned.  
'Hiya, Banjo.'  
The bear turned around to see the squirrel sitting near the fireplace.  
'Eh? Who are you again?'  
Had he forgotten already?  
'Conker. Don't you remember me?'  
Banjo's eyes widened. 'Oh my gosh, Conker! Of course! Man, I'm sorry I didn't recognize ya.. it has been so long... Kazooie? Come out!'  
A feminine red bird popped out of Banjo's blue backpack.  
'What's it now?'  
'This is Conker.'  
Kazooie stared at the squirrel for a moment.  
'Oh, of course. Banjo told me about you. You were such a goody-two-shoes, weren't you?'  
'KAZOOIE!' Banjo yelled and pushed the bird back into his backpack. 'don't worry, she's always like this.'  
'No big deal, I've heard worse things over the years...' he remembered Gregg and his... expressive vocabulary. 'Not to mention I changed quite a bit.'  
'Oh? What happened?'  
'It's a long story. I'd… rather not tell.'  
'Oh, that's fine,' Banjo said. 'We were gonna stop here 'til the rain's gone and then we're gonna look around the forests and the meadow for a bit…' he looked outside. It was still raining. 'Well, guess that's not happening anytime soon,'  
He waltzed over to warm himself by the fire. Eventually, Kazooie popped out of his backpack.  
'So, still talkin' to acorns?' she asked cheekily to Conker, who didn't pay any attention.  
'Eh, not really.' He said. 'Nowadays I'm busy hunting for Breegulls.' He smirked, and Kazooie disappeared into the blue backpack again, angrily grumbling.  
'I see you figured out how to talk to Kazooie here?' Banjo said. 'She's not a bad girl really. Once you know her, she's pretty sweet, even though she doesn't admit it…'  
Soon enough it stopped raining. Banjo stood up.  
'I'm gonna go to the forest, wanna join me? It's quite boring with only Kazooie around.' The bird popped out of the backpack to peck her bear buddy on his head multiple times. 'ouch.. c'mon, I was – ow – only joking – ow – I didn't mean it like – ow – that…'  
That would be a nice idea. He could get bored easily of Bumper and Timber's ramblings…  
'Sure, count me in,' Conker said and stood up.  
'What? No way, nuts-for-brains, you stay here, I'm not -'  
Nuts-for-brains? Well, ain't that just dandy. He wasn't going to let her get away with that, he thought.  
'Shut it, chicken legs!'  
'On yer bike, fuzz bucket!'  
Banjo shoved Kazooie back in his backpack. 'Please don't argue. I don't like squabbles… Now… let's go.'  
Kazooie didn't say a word. She just hid herself in the backpack, angrily mumbling to herself. Without saying a word the bear, squirrel, and breegull exited the underground to the Dragon Forest.


	4. Part Four'n: Dragon and childhood crush

The Dragon Forest was just like he had remembered all those years ago, and he was glad. Though it was still overcast with dark rain clouds, it was pleasantly calm and had a cheerful air among it. Birds chirping, frogs croaking. Nothing wrong with this place.

'This is one of the few locations that haven't been touched by that evil… something.' Banjo said eventually, knocking Conker right out of his pleasant little day dream.  
'I guess.'  
They were at the edge of a large clearing. The grass softly rustled in the wind.  
'The meadow is a beautiful place.' Banjo said. 'Man, it's been so long since we've been here, right, Kazooie?'  
No response.  
'I think she's jealous.' Conker said and smirked.  
'Ah well, let's go,' Banjo jumped up and walked a few meters. Nothing.  
'We gotta be very, very careful.' Banjo mumbled, stepping carefully across the clearing.  
'What? I can't hear ya!' Conker called after him, noisily.  
Banjo slapped his paw to his face. 'Careful and QUIET!'  
That was too loud, Conker thought. Not his idea of "careful" and "quiet", anyway.  
Danger was always close these days. Everything must been done with great care, else you'd get fried by lightning or worse…  
Suddenly, something huge covered the sun.  
'Oh, what the heck, of course… there's always dragons around when you'd least expect them… ' Banjo mumbled. Said dragon flew down and landed on the open plains.  
'Oh… that's just Smokey. Nothing bad, c'mon out, Conker!' Banjo called to Conker, who was hiding in a tree.  
'…how the heck did you climb up all the way there?' Banjo asked, confusedly, as the squirrel crept down the tree trunk.  
'Seriously? What do I look like to you?' he said somewhat annoyed.  
'A squirrel?' Banjo stated.  
'Obviously,'  
Banjo frowned. Squirrels. Always climbing trees…  
Without speaking a single word, the both of them walked over to the red and yellow colored dragon.  
'Any news?' Banjo asked.  
'Nothing, aye, nothing. Nothing at all,' the dragon mused. Conker thought he sounded like a Viking.  
'Who's zis little friend of yours?'  
He bowed his head over to inspect the squirrel more closely.  
'Don't remember me? It's me, Conker.' Conker said. He was getting annoyed by having to repeat that over and over again.  
'Ah yes, Conker… I remember thou,' Smokey said. 'It has been too long…'  
'Any news of th' others?' Banjo asked.  
'Ah well, I think Tooty is looking around th' main hub, and Pipsy's in the woods as well.'  
Conker perked up. That name definitely ringed a bell. Man, she was like the only one who really liked him when he first was here… And she was here in the woods! This was too good to be true. But, for one moment, he felt guilty. He didn't know why, and just stared up in the sky.  
Banjo shrugged. 'Oh well, anyway…' he turned back to Smokey. 'Is Tooty alright? Like, I mean, not being kidnapped, as usual?'  
The dragon nodded.  
'Oh, okay. Thanks!'  
The dragon made an attempt to fly off. 'Now if you folks don't mind me looking around more…'  
'We won't,'  
'Okay, see you soon.'  
With a few flaps of his mighty bat-like wings, he was off, flying towards Everfrost Peak.  
'…er, Conker?'  
The squirrel quickly averted his gaze and dusted off his clothes.  
'Eh, sorry, I saw… a pretty little bird,' he lied.  
Banjo rolled his eyes and the two of them walked off towards Greenwood Village.

Nobody was taking residence in the small houses these days, because it just simply wasn't save. Aside from almost nobody being there, it was still a pleasant little place.  
'Last time I was here was for the racing competition,' Banjo said. 'That was twelve years ago. Now I'm busy fighting witches, creating vehicles, and rescuing my sis out of the clutches of said witch, though since she went to college I didn't see her much, well, until now, she decided to tag along as well to this island…'  
Conker wasn't listening. His mind was with how Pipsy would react if she would see him now. Probably shocked.  
'Ugh… my legs are getting tired… Kazooie? Talon Trot?'  
'No.' came from the blue backpack. Short and painful.  
'Thanks for nothing, you useless avian.' He muttered and walked along with tired legs. 'Oh, hey, who'zat? Some dude – oh, hey, wait a minute, that looks like Pipsy. C'mon, go, you Don Juan,' Banjo exclaimed and pushed Conker before him. He knew Conker had a crush on the mouse girl when he was younger.  
'Er, I'd rather… if you go first, 'K? I'm rather… not good with girls,'  
All lies, as Conker was quite the lady's man. It wouldn't be smart to tell Banjo about it, though. He ran away and hid behind a nearby tree.  
'Oh well, whatever floats your boat,' Banjo said and walked over to the girl.  
'Hiya, Pipsy.'  
'Oh? Good evening, Banjo.' Was it evening already? Couldn't tell with these clouds.  
'Nice, sunny weather, eh?' he began awkwardly. The mouse girl just frowned.  
She was taller now, still wearing the same style of clothes, but not as small anymore. She still wore that red polka-dotted bow in her now a bit longer hair.  
'I've got a dude here who wants to meet you…' Banjo began.  
'Really? Who is it?'  
'You'll see soon enough.' Banjo waved to Conker and he came out from behind the tree.  
Pipsy was shocked. Was that really -?  
'Let me guess – you don't remember me?' Conker said with a smile.  
'Oh… oh, yes, I do,'  
She ran to him and embraced him. 'Oh, Conker! Where have you ever been?'  
'I… it's a long story.'  
He noticed that she was almost as tall as him now. Even though Conker wasn't really tall at all. Banjo, for one, was by far one of the tallest, surprisingly.  
Conker was at a loss of words. 'Nobody remembered me. How did you -'  
'I could never forget you, Conker,' the yellow mouse girl said, and turned back to look him in the eyes. He changed a lot, too. Instead of that shirt he always wore, he was now just dressed in an oversized blue vest, and his fur was longer, making him look even more fuzzy. Not to mention his squeaky voice had changed in a deeper, more mature voice.  
'Remember all the things we did together?'  
'Of course I do… like it all happened yesterday,'  
They happily shared their childhood memories, and Banjo decided it was time to walk off and leave the two to be.  
'Do you mind if I go back to the others?' he said carefully and snuck away.  
Just then, Kazooie popped out of the bear's backpack, for the first time in quite a while.  
'Awww. Can you believe that?' she said, quite out of character for her. 'Go for it, fuzz bucket! Kiss 'er like ya mean it!'  
'KAZOOIE!'  
The bear and bird made their way back to the underground hub together in a hurry, luckily the other two didn't hear the Breegull.  
'Banjo went back,' Conker said. 'Shall we return too? I think it's going to rain…' Sure enough, the first rain drops fell down from the sky. Wasn't it supposed to be summer?  
'Rain? No big deal.' Pipsy said and unfolded a large red umbrella. She waved to Conker to stand under it next to her.  
'This ain't so bad after all, eh?'  
'It never was. Not with you here, it isn't,'  
Thinking that was quite a corny phrase, he inched closer.  
The rain kept falling.  
'Shall we?'  
'Alright.'  
Together, under Pipsy's umbrella, they went back to the underground hub.


	5. Part Fiveth: when Conker meets his match

(so yeah, here's where the references to Conker's Pocket Tales begin interfering with the story. I'd recommend looking up a let's play of it or something if you don't know what it all is about.)

* * *

_One year ago_

_Vultureville jail_

_What was wrong with him? Sure, he robbed the bank, murdered the undertaker – but that's not too bad, right? Or so he thought. Apparently it was bad enough to be put in jail. He laid on the cold floor in disbelief, often twitching his black and white tail. Those stupid acorns… why did they even bother?  
Nobody took the time to talk to him and the only thing he got to eat was dry bread. He felt insulted. Nobody to annoy, nobody to pester.  
'So, you're happy in here?'  
Mysterious voice out of nowhere. Right.  
'No, of course I'm not, oh great voice out of the ceiling,' he groaned. 'Who are you and where are you?'  
'It does not matter. I need your help. Say, help me take over an island… and… I'll give you all the money you could wish for.'  
That sounded sweet. All the money he could wish for. No way he'd deny that.  
He was silent for a moment.  
'Alright, deal. Bust this cage and I'm outta here.'_

_Timber's Island  
Underground_

'Guys? Wanna play Mario Party?' Bumper asked cheerfully, attempting to start the old television up.  
'Bumper, please…' Timber groaned. 'This is a state of emergency. There's no time to play games…'  
'And the TV? We haven't watched TV ever since a week ago!' the badger complained. 'And I'm _bored_.'  
The tiger slapped his paw to his face. 'Okay… put on the TV. We'll watch some television.'  
Bumper did so and just then, he heard the door slam as Banjo and Kazooie came in.  
'Sorry guys. We've… had a bit of trouble,' Banjo panted. 'And… it started to rain. I don't like rain. Oh? You guys gonna watch TV?'  
'Sure we are, Banjo.' Bumper said, pressing some buttons on the old television. The colors were faded and it appeared to be vintage.  
'_And now it's time for… The Show That Doesn't Do Anything!_'  
Banjo looked at the TV for a moment.  
'Different program?'  
'Yes, please.'  
The badger zapped on a different channel and sat down on the couch. A very corny romance series was showing.  
'_But Earl, you know I would never do anything like that!_'  
'_Oh, dear, explain those dirty socks I found yesterday…_'  
Zap, another channel.  
'_Join the Kremling Army today! No food for weeks, no payment, only crocodiles and beavers to talk to._'  
Just at that moment, a small monkey jumped on a crocodile-like creature.  
'Hey, look, there's Diddy!'  
'_you don't want this to happen, right?_'  
'Actually, we do, ya lizard-tyrants!' Bumper said.  
Zap.  
'_But we still haven't found… what we're looking for~_'  
'Well, that's nice.' Banjo said. 'How about we leave it on this?'  
'Okay, whatever you say,'  
The bear sat down on a different couch next to Bumper.  
'I really like this song… reminds me of the adventures me an' Kazooie used to have.'  
The bird popped out of the blue backpack. Speak of the devil.  
'What? Oh, this song. I've had enough of all those Stop 'n' Swop theories of yours, you know…'  
Kazooie stayed upright to watch the television. She preferred adventuring, but the rain hindered her.  
Speaking of which…  
'Where's squeakers and nuts-for-brains, actually? Weren't they gonna be here any minute now?'  
'Leave them be,' Banjo said. 'They haven't seen each other for almost twelve years now. And I _think_ they've got something going on and… well, you know.'  
Kazooie didn't say anything, looked around and noticed someone was missing.  
'Er, Banjo.'  
'What?'  
'Where's your sis?'  
Whoops. She wasn't there at all. He only just noticed. Banjo stood up and walked to Timber, who was still near the fireplace, kneeled, and drawing some sort of map in the dirt underneath.  
'Er, Timber? Where's Tooty off to?'  
The tiger looked up. 'Oh, she ran off as usual. She's out in the main hub. I told her it was dangerous, but she still went… she's probably being kidnapped right now.'  
'Oh jeez…' Banjo made a run for the exit to find his missing sister, only to bump into Conker and Pipsy who finally made their way back.  
'So, had fun out there in the rain?' Kazooie remarked slyly.  
'KAZOOIE!'  
The bird got stuffed in the backpack again. 'Eh, guys, my sis' gone missing, so I'm off to find her…'  
He hot-footed it back to the main hub.  
'What's it with him?' Conker asked.  
'His sister is always getting herself into trouble, whether she likes it or not.' Pipsy folded her umbrella and walked off to talk to Timber. The mouse and tiger had already proclaimed themselves boyfriend and girlfriend, though Pipsy's sudden attraction to Conker so soon that he appeared on the island, made Timber green with envy. At all times he refrained from acting jealous, though, and just tried to act politely against his will. The childhood rivalry the two had when they were just about the age of eight was beginning to return slowly.  
'I see.' Conker remarked. He saw Bumper watching TV, walked over to him, and sat down on the couch.  
'Hi, Conker.' Bumper said, fixated on the television.  
'Oh, hiya.'  
Bumper looked at him for a second, then turned back to the TV.  
'How'd you stay dry in the rain, anyway?' he said, still looking at the television.  
'Er, I…' he quickly turned around and pretended to watch the television. 'You guys have a TV?'  
'Why are you still dry?' Bumper asked again.  
Sheesh. Why was he so eager to know anyway?  
'Alright, I… stayed under Pipsy's umbrella.'  
Bumper looked at the red squirrel sitting next to him in disbelief, though he looked like he was going to burst out in laughter any minute.  
'You? Under her umbrella? Ha! How'd it go? Did you guys _kiss_? In the _rain?_' he sneered, and laughed.  
'What? No, of course not! I just… Mind yer own business!' Conker said and turned around quickly. Bumper saw him turning red through his red fur. Even redder than usual, he being a red squirrel, of course. Though red squirrels are usually more brown than anything. Bumper looked at Conker for a second before watching the television again.  
'What's the matter? Why are you so clingy around girls anyway? Didn't you have a girlfriend already, you crafty womanizer?'  
That hit him. Hard.  
'Well, do you?'  
'you wouldn't believe me if I said my own true love was shot down before my very eyes.' Conker answered angrily, finally.  
Bet he didn't expect that. Surely enough he didn't. But the badger just shot him various looks of disbelief.  
'Ouch, I'm sorry.' He said.  
Conker didn't answer.  
'Hi guys, mind if I sit here?'  
Sure enough Pipsy decided to walk over to them _just_ at the right moment. She sat next to Conker himself. A bit too close, apparently. For a moment, he wanted to disappear completely.  
'Conker? What's wrong?'  
'Nothing.'  
He saw Bumper on the other side of the couch. The badger was doing his best to hold back his laughter.  
'Sheesh, knock it off, stripeface,' Conker said, annoyed.  
Timber, who was kneeling near the fireplace the whole time, shot the three an angry glare before going outside, mumbling about leadership and squirrels who steal girlfriends. He didn't want to bother talking to them, anyway.  
'Mind if I zap?' Conker asked, holding the remote.  
'Go ahead.' Bumper said, still grinning.  
'_Special Manual offer – buy one, get one free! Sponsored by your friendly neighborhood scarecrows federation._'  
'_Tired of all these pointless commercials? Commercial BANG! And the commercials are GONE! (note: not tested, may not work. 99% chance that TV will explode once used.)_'  
'_Want to go on a vacation, but think that Mount Fire Eyes' too hot and Freezeezy Peak's too cold? Go to Hailfire Peaks. Hot and cold in one. Boat leaves every Tuesday._'  
'Not much on, eh?'  
'There is this crappy, low-budget romance story…'  
'I'll give it a miss.'  
Suddenly, the door slammed open. Banjo came stumbling in. Quick to the point, he panted: 'Tooty is gone.'  
'Kidnapped _again?_' Bumper moaned. 'How many times already? And isn't she better off stayin' home?'  
'No,' Banjo quickly responded. 'Grunty's acting up, like always. That witch is even more evil, so that wouldn't work. but anyway, we're wasting time, c'mon, c'mon, all of you! Hup!'

Soon enough all of them were hiding under the bridge. Banjo was concerned.  
'Oh, man… I'm always getting her outta trouble… Who kidnapped her this time?'  
The rest didn't say a word. Everyone that was looking around was told to gather under the bridge. They were all huddled together, hoping someone could come with an idea. Conker thought he saw someone walking on the main clearing.  
'Hey… who's that over there?' he asked, mostly to himself. 'Timber? You know that guy?'  
The tiger looked at the figure that was walking across the clearing.  
'Never seen him…'  
Conker looked more closely. It was a slim, black and white-colored figure who appeared to be wearing some sort of futuristic cape. A long, white-striped tail came out from under said cape.  
'Who's that?' came from the crowd. 'Has Wizpig returned?'  
'Doesn't look like him in the least.' Conker said. It has been too long to recognize him, though he knew for sure that this figure could never be him. He looked more closely.  
Those bright, glaring blue eyes. Those sharp, pointy teeth. That black and white striped fur.  
He knew he could recognize those features from anywhere.  
'Oh my giddy aunt.' he uttered.  
'What? Who is it?' Pipsy asked. He did not react.  
'He's dangerous.' Conker said. 'Wait, let me talk with him.'  
Quickly he ran over to the shady figure. The stranger was walking along, muttering things to himself and minding his own business.  
'Nice seeing you again. _Pretty flower._'  
The skunk turned around. There was only one guy who mockingly referred to him as that. But he wasn't here, now was he? But it was true. His eyes widened at the sight of that squirrel who had bothered him so many years ago.  
'What? This can't be! How did you -'  
'Still ravaging poor animals' homelands?' Conker asked mockingly.  
'Go away, you… you… Ugh. Never mind. I'm not telling anyone. Not that I've kidnapped Banjo's sister and that my hiding place is somewhere in the darkest mountain of the Dragon Forest. Nope, not telling.' The skunk replied. Suddenly, he turned into a bat and flew away into the dark rainclouds. It promptly began raining.  
'A bat? Yeah, sure…'  
The others came scurrying to him.  
'Conker, who was that?' Bumper asked. 'I've never seen him before.'  
'I can't believe it.' Was all that the squirrel managed to say.  
'Who IS it?' Bumper asked again, more urgent now.  
'It's Honker. He's back. And he's _kidnapped your sister._'  
He looked at Banjo.  
'But… but… who? _Why?_'  
'I honestly don't know.'  
Rain began to fall again.  
'Shall we go back to the underground?' Timber asked.  
Everyone agreed and they went pacing back, in a hurry.


	6. Part Sixay: Bad guys STINK

'Let me go, you creep!'

'Tut tut, don't call me a creep,' he replied smoothly. 'I didn't do anything to you, now did I?'  
'Actually, you put me in a large bird cage.'  
'Eh? Pretend that didn't happen…' the villain said. 'Of course, it is all part of my pretty little plan…'  
Pretty little plan. What kind of villain talks like that anyway? Are you sure he isn't… She wanted to say something, but didn't.  
'Oh, just wait, my lord,' the skunk mumbled to himself, but loud enough for the female bear to hear. 'Soon enough my project will be… complete, and you'll be back to ruin this island, for whatever reason you may desire,'  
He looked out of a small window. Dark rainclouds began forming and raindrops were falling down. The sun was beginning to set.  
'Soon it'll be night and then…' he didn't finish his sentence and walked off towards the darkness on the other side of the chamber, laughing to himself evilly, like villains do.  
'Hey! Don't leave me here! COME BACK!' Tooty yelled. What was this guy thinking? Sheesh. Some villain he is…  
She hoped Banjo would come soon enough to rescue her. He always did.

'The highest mountain of the Dragon Forest, he said,' Conker began. All others were huddled around and next to him in a circle. 'You know anything about a high mountain in the forest?'  
Timber nodded and roughly drew a mountain in the dirt with a stick. 'The only way to get there is through… the haunted woods.'  
'The haunted woods?' Banjo began. 'Are you sure?'  
Kazooie popped out of his backpack. 'Of course he's sure. Sheesh. That mountain is only accessible through the Haunted Woods whether you like it or not.'  
Banjo never had fond memories of the Haunted Woods. He was a bit scared of it. Never said so, though. He was afraid to get laughed at. He wasn't the most brave of kids, back then. Not at all.  
'There's two paths leading to the mountain, if we split up we'll be safer,' Timber began. 'Any volunteers?'  
Silence.  
'Uh… I'll go.' Banjo said meekly after a while.  
He was amazed that he could actually manage to say that.  
'At least, me and Kazooie. I mean, it's my sister who's been kidnapped…'  
'Fine with me, Banjo.' The bird muttered from inside the backpack.  
'Alright then, you guys, We'll go tomorrow. But eh, I see it's already dark outside, shall we sleep first?'  
Everyone agreed. The lot of them walked over to a door (since Conker hadn't been there in forever he just followed along) behind which were a few mattresses, bed sheets, and covers, a few small desks scattered about and a single lamp.  
'Yeah, it ain't pretty, but it'll do,' Timber said. 'We've got a few leftover mattresses, I'm sure you can figure it out,' he said quickly, walked over to his own bed and lied down in it. Soon enough, everybody had their sleeping place, and everything was covered in darkness and it was pleasantly quiet, save for some shuffling, time to time. Until an hour later.  
'I can't sleep.' A voice whispered.  
Nobody was quite sure who that was (at least, the ones who were awake) but they knew he was making an awful lot of noise.  
'Neither can I.' someone answered.  
'Er… is it okay with ya if I sleep here?'  
Silence.  
'Sure.'  
'But please don't get any funny ideas now. I just… can't really sleep as it's all new and stuff…'  
'I know. I don't mind,'  
And then, silence fell once more.

Because everything was located underground it was hard to tell the time. Occasionally some of the lot underground would check up if the sun had risen, but it didn't really matter as it was still overcast with gloomy rain clouds. Soon enough they felt it was morning and they woke up.  
'Good morning everyone, rise and shine, there's… no windows in this room…'  
Banjo, being awake early (quite strange for him as he usually overslept) was rummaging through the room attempting to find a suitable light source. As soon as he stumbled across a bed he found it and clicked it on. Upon seeing the sight before him he just so managed to hold back his laughter.  
'Oh my L.O.G… guys, what the _heck _are you doing there if… you don't mind me asking?'  
Sure enough, the sight before him was just too hilarious and random to behold. For him, at least.  
Conker and Pipsy were lying next to each other, while they were definitely not doing so the night before.  
'Uh, Conker? Did you do that on purpose?' he asked again, more carefully this time.  
The mouse and squirrel both woke up slowly until they realized their rather awkward pose. As soon as they realized that they were lying like this for about the whole night, they quickly scooted away from each other, both blushing like mad.  
'Oooh, I'm gonna tell Kazooie.' Banjo snickered and stumbled over to his own bed quickly.  
'What? Oh no you won't!' Conker quickly called after him. A bit too loud apparently as it woke everyone else.  
'What the heck happened?'  
'He did _what_?'  
'And I thought DeviantART was bad enough…'  
Conker wanted to get away as quickly as he could and Pipsy said nothing, both of them ashamed.  
'Er, if you don't mind… I'moffoutsidetocatch… some… fresh… air… this underground hole is making me drowsy,' Conker mumbled and as fast as he could he hurried outside.  
'Why do you do this to me!' he yelled to the clouds, making sure he was in an enclosed area, though he wasn't quite sure who he was addressing.  
'Because it can,' a voice suddenly came out of nowhere. Conker raised an eyebrow.  
'..who th' heck are you?'  
'It does not matter.' The voice said. 'But alas, to answer your question: the writer of this story is somewhat sadistic and likes putting you to shame for cheap laughs.'  
'Wait, what? What are you talking about? Hey!'  
No response.  
'Talk about random,' he muttered and sat down on a small tree trunk, annoyed, and mumbling to himself.  
'Uh, Conker? Can I talk to you for a minute?'  
He recognized the voice of Timber immediately. Why did he bother, really?  
'What do you want? Put me to shame even further?'  
'No, no, no. I want to talk. About you an' Pipsy.'  
Whoops. That wasn't gonna end well. Conker stood up and walked over to the tiger to look him in the eyes.  
'I've seen her act… really close to you. And just a couple of months ago we were contemplating to become girlfriend and boyfriend, 'til you came along.'  
Conker just stared at him for a moment.  
'Not to worry, Pipsy's a fine young girl, but… my heart belongs to someone else,' he said solemnly and faced the other way, staring in the distance.  
'Wait, what? Since when? Who?' Timber asked. Conker never told him about that. And as long as it wasn't concerning _his_ girlfriend, he'd listen.  
The red squirrel stared up at the sky. 'I know she's out there watching over me.' He mumbled, more to himself than anything else, getting teary-eyed already.  
'Wait, do you mean she's d-'  
'Yes.'  
'…Oh.'  
Silence fell between the two.  
'I'm sorry, dude,' Timber said after a while. 'That's… that must stink.'  
'It stinks as much as that filthy Honker does, lemme tell ya,' Conker said bitterly. 'If only I could see her again… if only I could kiss her again like I used to back when we used to go to the bar, just the two of us… If only I could squeeze those big…'  
Timber frowned.  
'What? A guy can dream, can he?' Conker said, shrugging. Timber changed the subject quickly.  
'We should gather preparations for our rescue mission,' he said.  
'Yeah, I'm with you on that,'


	7. Part Seveneth: filler I think

In the bird cage, hidden in the haunted, old mountaintop castle, Tooty sat there solemnly mumbling to herself.

'He'll come to rescue me… He won't come to rescue me… He'll come to rescue me…'  
She was repeating that all day, hoping she'll end on "he'll come to rescue me" every time. Soon enough her chant began to annoy Honker, who was sitting in the room next door, watching Villain TV© and visiting .  
'Will you _quit it_?' he occasionally yelled, without any result. The plea fell on deaf ears every time as she just kept on repeating those two sentences over and over again.  
'Will you tell me what this ugly machine does, then?' she said finally.  
the skunk waltzed over to see his prisoner sitting in the bird cage, alone and somewhat frightened.  
'Oh, don't call the poor L.O.L. an ugly machine, will you?' he said, stroking the machine almost comfortingly. Machines don't have feelings, Tooty thought.  
'L.O.L.? What's that mean? Live Obtaining Loser?'  
Honker stared at her for a moment.  
'No of course not and… eh, actually, it does.' He said and frowned. 'wipe that grin of your face pronto,'  
He walked around the cage, threateningly pointing a finger at the young bear.  
'This here L.O.L. is the newer, modern version of the B.O.B. with very little added features, but instead of obtaining life force from objects to render them dead, the Live Obtaining Loser can obtain the live from one being and bring back a _dead_ one. No refunds, works without batteries, yadda yadda. Quite nifty, ain't it?'  
'But why do you need _me_ to do it?' Tooty asked. The skunk's formal behavior was beginning to irk her.  
'Because… er, because…' Yes, good question. Why her?  
'…you've been kidnapped so many times, one more time wouldn't hurt, right?'  
Evilly laughing to himself he walked over to his room to watch some more Villain TV©.  
'Hey! COME BACK! I'm not finished with you! Just you wait!'  
But she could only hope that the others would be here soon…

_Somewhere in the Skies above the Isle o' Hags  
_  
_'Like, this is, you know, so unfair! Why can't I just leave this… dump and get back to our house? I need to get back to, like, my boyfriend. He misses me. He almost never did but he does now, you know?'  
'Stop your whining,' a high-pitched voice replied. 'I can't help it that you were too stupid to refrain from getting killed by a mob boss's gun. And you're not a squirrel, nor a cat. I hate those bloody cats…'  
'Stupid? Why you -'  
'Don't bother, I'm a Grim Reaper, I can't die, so stop pretending to slap me,'  
Angrily trying to slap the small skeletal figure in his face with no success, the tall chipmunk girl sat down and mumbled to herself. Ever since that day she got killed she felt no reason to behave towards dudes dressed in black cloaks and donning scythes. Sure, she got some snazzy wings, but no clothes at all. Annoying. At least she felt no pain. That was pretty cool, she thought. So she felt no pain at all, but not emotionally.  
'And really, he prefers money, he told me so himself.'  
'Not over me! He, like, loves me, he goes down th' forest every day to put down flowers!' she finally snapped. What was she doing, being bossed around by this dude? She knew how to deal with men like this, she thought. Though the last time she said that, it didn't end well. She forgot that the guy she was acting like that to was actually the dude with the scythe.  
'Alas, I can only let you go if the Lord of Games himself says so… I dunno really…'_

_Timber's Island  
Above ground, near the main hub_

Rain was falling down with great amounts as the animals prepared their quest, dressed in raincoats and donning umbrellas.  
'Shall we finally go now?' Bumper complained. 'I'll show that dude who's boss…' he punched in the sky, tumbled around, and almost lost his footing. It was very slippery, thanks to the rain.  
'Conker's sure as heck taking his sweet-ass time in there…' Timber said to himself. Pipsy stood next to him, the two of them held hands.  
'Leaving us outside in the rain like that… mister goes on a last-minute attempt to collect stuff while we're already all done… humph…'  
'He's not a bad guy,' Pipsy said. 'I'm sure he just wanted to make sure he had got everything. He's really kind, though. Just maybe… a bit, shall we say, ill-mannered at times.'  
'Ill-mannered? Since when?' Banjo said. After all, last time he saw the squirrel was when they were kids. He was always well-groomed, polite, and eager to help.  
'All I know about him now is that he's mangy, and he put on… a lot of pounds,' the tiger snickered.  
'Timber!'  
'…sorry.'

As soon as Conker finished they set off. Nearing the entrance of the Haunted Woods, they stopped.  
'Shall we separate here?' Timber said. Banjo nodded and walked off towards the right.  
'..Alright, from what I've heard, he presumably has a couple of aggressive sour Smelbas patrolling the mountain.' The tiger said. 'Anyone know how to calm them down if we run into them?'  
'Oh, I know,' Pipsy said. 'If any sour Piñata is fed some candy, he'll be calm for a couple of minutes.'  
'Alrighty then, I think I've got some, shall we go on?'  
Conker was just about to ask what in the world they meant with Smelbas, but he decided to not say anything. They agreed and went on.

Oh, this was a bad idea. Why would he actually go alone in this spooky forest? Even though it was daytime, he could swear he saw the moon and a couple of stars in the dark sky. It was still raining, as usual.  
'Huh, I swear I saw something slip away behind that bush…' Kazooie mumbled, poking her head out of Banjo's blue backpack. 'Something strange, in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call?'  
'Not now Kazooie,' Banjo sighed as he kept walking through the damp grass. 'Keep the pointless media references for later.'  
A small shadow disappeared behind a tree. Banjo shivered.  
'All alone in the Haunted Woods…'  
Kazooie stretched out her neck to look at her friend.  
'All alone? Forgetting about me?'  
'Sorry, I tend to forget that you're… right behind me,'  
Kazooie disappeared into the backpack.  
'Couldn't you have gone alone?' she muttered.  
'Eh? No, of course not! And, er,' Banjo said. 'Why did you go with me if you didn't want to, anyway?'  
'Because I like you?'  
That was unexpected.  
'Don't tell the others I said that,' the Breegull added quickly. 'Else I'll peck yer eyes out.'  
'I won't,' Banjo said, suddenly with the power to press on through the woods again. If he looked closely, he could see a large fortress perched upon an enormous mountain.

Soon enough the band of friends encountered a thicket of large trees.  
'Well, damn it,' Timber said and Pipsy scolded him for using foul language.  
'We ain't gonna get past this thing,' Bumper whined. 'All the way we came here to…'  
'Shut it, I'm thinking,' the tiger said. But after a whole minute he still didn't have a good idea.  
'…I can get over it,' Conker said.  
'What?' Timber said, annoyed. That squirrel was always after his glory…  
'Seriously, what do I look like to you?'  
He climbed up one of the trees. Looked quite silly, because he wasn't really used to climbing trees since his childhood, but he just managed to keep his footing.  
'Stop laughing, this isn't funny!' Conker called to the group of animals who were still standing there. 'Anyway, where are you guys off to?'  
'We're going the other way 'round,'  
'Oh okay, see ya!'  
Bounding through the trees the squirrel saw a large, ominous mountain in the far distance, and on top was a fortress of some sort. He'd find out soon enough what that meant.


	8. Part Eighteth: Obligatory Fight Scene

'Hah! Already ten friends on my Evul-book! I'm doing fine on there!'

Honker was once again surfing around the internet on an old computer.  
'Hey, go fetch me a drink!' he called to Tooty, who was just over in the other room.  
'I'm locked up, so free me and I will.'  
'Nice try,' the skunk mocked and turned off his PC. He waltzed over to the other room, grinning maniacally.  
'Why don't you just do your thing now?' Tooty asked, annoyed. This guy was even worse than Grunty…  
'Eh? Oh yes, the L.O.L. is still charging power, oh, yes, and then I'll bring back my master… Oh yes I will…' he mumbled, more to himself than anything else.  
'And who may that be?'  
'I have not seen him but he is promising me untold riches,' Honker said. 'Wait, you're my prisoner! I'm supposed to be scoffing at you! There!' He poked his pointy snout through the thin fence of the cage. 'Scoff! Scoff!' he mocked.  
Repeating that, he disappeared into the other room again, looking for friends on his Evul-book. Tooty didn't say anything. She was very much frightened, though knew better than to show it.

Rain splattered onto his face as Conker bounded through the trees. Luckily nobody saw him like that, since the last time he climbed trees was when he was eight years old. But surely enough, he accidentally stepped on a rotten branch and fell down.  
'..ouch.'  
Trying to climb up again, he heard a growling sound. Out of the bushes crept a black and red-colored skunk-like creature that appeared to be made out of paper.  
'Alright, who are you?' Conker said, though he didn't know if the animal could understand him.  
He suddenly remembered the others talking about Smelbas. Maybe this creature was actually the species they were discussing. Upon noticing that, Conker quickly hurried into the tree, leaving the animal behind on the ground, growling.  
'I oughta ask that filthy stinker himself about these guys…'  
Suddenly, the almost endless trees came to a halt as a giant mountain rose up from the ground. On top was the fortress.  
'…Alright then.'  
Without a lot of confidence, Conker crept up the mountain.

'Do you think he's already there?'  
'Probably.'  
'Are we there yet?'  
The others were taking the long way around because else they couldn't reach it.  
'We're almost there,' Timber said. 'Just there's the way to the castle…'

'This is taking too long… I can't walk anymore. Got any ideas, Kazooie?'  
'meh, I dunno,'  
'Didn't I have…?'  
Kazooie picked a flat, round object out of the backpack.  
'A portable flight-pad! Way to go, Kaz!'  
'…And who's gotta carry that big lug around as usual?'  
'…sorry.'  
Standing upon the flight pad, the two launched into the air, flying towards the castle with great speed.

'Ah yes, just a couple of minutes left and then… Oh, we'll be kings of the world, my master! Oh yes!'  
Tooty didn't say anything. She had just about given up all hope.  
'What's it with you? Cat got yer tongue? Ah, whatevs…' Honker said, wandering about from left to right.  
'What to do with all my money… Hm… First I'll get a nice, new car… then I'd buy the beta version of Evil Acorn's Evil Adventures…'  
'Hold your horses, Honker!'  
Wait, who was that? The skunk quickly turned around. Out of the window came that bear and bird. How in the world did they get there?  
'Wait, who – what? What's that? Why didn't my guard Smelbas tear you to pieces! I had those things imported from Prof. Pester, you know! They weren't cheap!'  
'Perhaps because we, you know, flew to here?' Kazooie mentioned. 'Hey, Banjo! There's Tooty. Must I blast the cage?'  
'Of course.'  
The Breegull spat a grenade egg towards the cage, and soon enough it was open. Banjo ran over to his younger sister.  
'Come along now, I think that smelly dude's distracted,'  
'Banjo! I thought you forgot about me.' Tooty said and hugged her big brother.  
'Of course I didn't,' Banjo said. 'Did I ever?'  
'HEY!' Honker yelled. Everyone looked at him.  
'This isn't fair! I… just, ugh! I gave my all and then you… WHY! My pretty plan… ruined!'  
'Has this something to do with the genie and the giant pig?' Kazooie asked.  
'I dunno,' Banjo replied, and shrugged.  
'Hey! Stop your babbling! You're supposed to be frightened! I'm, like, the best bad guy since my mentor, the Evil Acorn! Oh, never mind…'  
He growled, and ripped off his cape.  
'You'll all be sorry!' he spat. 'I'll fight to the bitter end!'  
'Quick, fire a grenade at him!' Tooty urged Kazooie.  
'…none left,' she admitted.  
The three of them stood against the wall.  
'He's rabid! Oh, what a horrible end… bitten by a rabid skunk…' Banjo cried.  
'I'm not rabid, ya moron!' Honker yelled. He was about to jump as he heard a sound.  
'…Stop this nonsense at once.'  
No, it couldn't be! He thought that he wouldn't see him anymore because he'd grown out of the adventuring! But sure enough it was.  
'..YOU.' Honker snapped. 'Why can't you just leave me alone?'  
Conker had finally reached the castle and climbed in through the same window as Banjo and Kazooie went through.  
'You weren't just about to attack team Banjo, now would you?' Conker said calmly, balancing on the windowsill, though he still felt bitter hate towards the skunk.  
Honker frowned. 'Oh, that's none of your concern. I'll fight you instead if you want to!'  
He threateningly went down on all fours, his striped tail risen up in the air.  
'Really, if you're asking for it, not my mistake,'  
He took off his vest and took the same pose as his enemy.  
'What's he doing?' Tooty asked.  
'I dunno, I've never seen him act like that,' Banjo mumbled.  
'Jeez, Conk, is that really a time to flash your enemy?'  
'KAZOOIE!'  
'…Sorry.'  
The mortal enemies kept waiting for the other to attack as they circled each other. In a fraction of a second, Honker jumped towards Conker and attempted to bite him.  
Fangs flashed and blood flew everywhere. Both of them were ever so persistent, focused on injuring the opposing one. Both clawing at each other's eyes, they kept attacking.  
'You can't beat me, my master made me stronger than you feeble islanders,' Honker said.  
'Stronger? All I see is some girly gloves and a cape. Don't think so, pal,' Conker mumbled as attempted to hold his enemy out of his range. The skunk wasn't amused by this jape and growled. 'You'll be so sorry! Oh, you will!'  
The skunk leapt towards him and in a second|

.

..'''?...

.

.

.

Huh? Wait, what?  
Wait, what's this? Some kind of joke? Hey, is there anybody here? Can ya hear me? Just… type something in, okay? Whoa, déjà vu…  
R: Okay.  
What's with this, it was just becoming suspenseful! And then suddenly it stops? How? See, Honker's floating in air…  
R: You know, no inspiration left. Author's block. Ever heard of it? Well, actually I had an idea but it wouldn't be fair for you, you see, as you're the main character. :P  
Eh, I see. But eh, how about you help me out with that skunk over there? Then I promise I won't tell anyone on your… DeviantART site account that you messed up.  
R: Oh, you're a sly one. Well, sure. Any ideas?  
Just dump him in his own filthy machine and we're done with it, okay? I don't know what it does but I'm sure it'll get rid of him and…  
R: But he's like my favorite villain… Oh well, whatever. Just don't tell my friends, comprendo?  
Alrighty then.

..?;';"

.  
.

'What happened? Conker? Where's Honker?' Kazooie said.  
'Nothing to worry about,' he answered. But suddenly, something struck him.  
'Oh… Oh my… I.. should've asked that author to bring Berri back to life… HEY! Author! Ah, he's gone…'  
R: Actually I'm a she. Ciao!  
'Wait, what? COME BACK! Aw man… this is the second time this happens… oh no, oh no… oh no…'  
'Conker?' Banjo said. 'Look.'  
He pointed to the machine. On one of the screens a few words appeared.  
'Choose a being to bring back?' Conker asked as he walked up the screen.  
'Oh man, this solves everything…' he said. 'Hm… oh?'  
He typed something in and suddenly the machine exploded.  
'Well, that's just great. I knew it was too good to be true…'

_Somewhere in the Skies above the Isle o' Hags_

'_Like, this is so annoying! Can't you, y'know, let me do something in this dump?'  
'Shut it, I'm thinking,'  
That annoying pint-sized Grim Reaper was starting to get mighty annoying.  
'But, you know, I -'  
Suddenly, a blinding light appeared out of nowhere. A floating screen with a face, donning a cape, floated there between the clouds.  
'Somebody, anybody, just used one of those cheap L.O.L.'s and now you're allowed to go back to your mortal form. I wish I didn't make those things, but oh well.'  
'Really?'  
'Sure, go ahead. Off you pop,'  
As soon as he said that, she disappeared. The Lord of Games floated towards the small Grim Reaper.  
'This work is giving me a headache. Gregg, fare you well and stop cussing out those cats.'_

_Timber's Island  
Honker's lab_

Finally, after a couple of minutes, Timber, Pipsy, and Bumper arrived at the lab.  
'Oh, hi, guys.' Banjo said. 'We rescued Tooty.. again. Now don't get kidnapped again, okay?'  
'Okay.' Agreed his sister.  
'Aw, where's that filthy cheater off to? Did we miss the fun?' Bumper complained.  
'Trust me, it wasn't fun.' Conker mumbled.  
'Oh my, you're bleeding,' Pipsy said and hurried to the squirrel to help him.  
'Oh, it's nothing,' he said.  
Wiping away the blood, it took her a while to realize that he wasn't wearing anything. She immediately pulled her hands back.  
'I'm sorry,' she said and blushed. 'I…'  
'No, it's fine,' Conker said and smirked. '…do that again, okay?'  
Kazooie, who was hiding in Banjo's backpack until now, poked out her head. 'Oh, you pervert.' She said.  
'KAZOOIE!'  
Everyone laughed and they shared their experiences about the Haunted Woods. As soon as the sun had set, they went back to the main hub.


	9. Part Nine, the end: All Ends Well

The next day, they all went to the beach. It was almost autumn but the sun shone again, for the first time in weeks.

'Good news, guys, I heard that our old friends will be returning, and we can finally race again!' Timber said, holding an envelope.  
Everyone thought that was a great idea.  
'Just like all those years ago, eh, Kazooie?' Banjo said, gazing at the horizon. The sea was as brilliant as ever, sparkling wistfully all the way.  
'I wasn't there yet, you know?' the Breegull remarked.  
'Oh, yes, of course, sorry.' Banjo quickly apologized.  
'Oh, it doesn't matter. Best friends forever, eh, Banjo?'  
'Best friends forever.'  
'…But don't tell anyone I said that. Else I'll peck your eyes out.'  
'I won't. Thanks for sticking with me, Kaz.'  
'You're very welcome.'  
The bear and bird sat there for a while, reminiscing all those adventures they had. Meanwhile, the others were either sitting somewhere else or messing around with the sand.  
Conker and Pipsy just stood next to the firehouse, hugging each other while staring over the shimmering blue sea. None of them said a word.  
'I will miss you, y'know.' Pipsy said, finally.  
Conker looked at her for a moment. 'I'll miss you too.' He said. Unknowingly, he entangled his bushy red tail with hers.  
'Will you promise that once you've got time, you'll come back to race a few times again, just like in the old days?'  
'Oh, I most definitely will… if I find any time in between my being-the-king-ness.'  
He had already told her about how he became king of all the land and as much as he didn't like it, he had to return. 'I'm so sorry.' He muttered.  
'Me too…'  
He stepped back to look her in the eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, but just when he was about to say it, Pipsy said what he wanted to say.  
'I… We can't be together.'  
'Oh.' They stared at each other for a while. 'I… was…' he swallowed. '…about to say the same.'  
'You were?' Pipsy began in utter disbelief.  
'Yeah, I'm so sorry.' He gently stroked her cheeks. 'I know, I love you, but… Berri's gonna kill me if she finds out.'  
'So will Timber.'  
They hugged each other again, ignoring Bumper, who had crept behind the firehouse peeking at them, spouting 'love triangle!' over and over again.  
'I'll never forget you, I promise,' Conker began. 'Just watch out. That fiend Wizpig can return at any time by now.'  
'But… I'm a king now. But I'll be sure to leave th' throne once in a while to return. I feel so horrible not doing anything all of sudden.'  
'Oh, I know how you feel. But I'll be fine all by myself, so don't worry about me,'  
Conker looked over to the beach to see Timber glaring at him. He didn't appear to be too happy at Conker who was hugging his girlfriend.  
'It's your boyfriend I'm worried about.'  
'Oh, he's not so bad really,' Pipsy said. 'Just a bit over-protective. And he can be a bit cranky at times, what with being the heir of this island…'  
'Yeah, I know how it feels like.' Conker admitted.  
Suddenly, Bumper came hurrying towards them from behind the lighthouse, finally.  
'Hello, lovebirds,' he smirked. The two didn't say anything and just frowned.  
'Er, I just finished repairing all our karts, and you know, I made bikes as well!'  
'Bikes?'  
'Yeah, bikes. They're really cool, c'mon, have a look!' the badger said eagerly.  
'Eh, why not,'  
The three of them walked over to where Bumper led them.  
'Pretty schweet, no?' he said.  
'Yeah, cool,'  
'How about you two go for a test drive around Walrus Cove?'  
Conker and Pipsy stared at each other for a while, but eventually agreed. So the three went to the everlasting snow of Everfrost Peak.

'Alright, press this to go forward, and there you've got it,'  
'Easy as pie, ain't it? I've never driven one of these before, but it seems easy enough,'  
'C'mon, I wanna race, too!' Pipsy said eagerly and jumped on the same bike as Conker was sitting on.  
'Er… you sure about that?' he said.  
'Of course! You're not scared now are you?'  
'Ha, of course not! See ya, Bumper!'  
And before they knew it, the bike launched itself over the frosty racing tracks of Walrus Cove. Controlling the bike was hard but he just managed to not let it slip away on the cold, icy floor. For the first time in ages, walruses had appeared again in Walrus Cove, swimming about in the shallow waters of the icy part of the sea, giving the place back its name. A faint, enchanting white mist hung just above the racetrack, and Pipsy stretched out an arm to feel the cold mist with her fingertips.  
'Been quite a while since those walruses had shown up,' Pipsy said, tightly clenching Conker, which made him feel all fuzzy for some reason. This would be the last time they'd be together like in their childhood again. Even though it was freezing, they didn't feel a tiny bit cold.  
'Eh, yeah, I see,' he mumbled. He was at a loss of words. What was the last time he felt like this? He had forgotten. Forgotten how it felt to be loved. Forgotten what it was to have friends. He sighed.  
'Conker? What's wrong?' Pipsy asked.  
'Oh, nothing. Just… thank you,'  
'Thank you for what?'  
'Nothing, just… thanks.'  
And it seemed like hours flew by. They were together, driving around on a bike in the most enchanted place on the whole island. But after a while, Bumper called after them that they should stop and it was getting late. Nonsense, they both thought, but they stopped nonetheless.  
'And? How'd it go?' Bumper asked.  
Conker just looked at him. 'Perfectly,' he said.

Not everything lasts forever, and that they knew. Soon enough the close band of friends had to part because they had other things to do.  
'As much as I loved it here, I think it's time we went home, Kazooie.' Banjo said, still sitting on the beach staring at the sea.  
'What? And listen to Goggle Boy talk about his new business all day long? No way!'  
'But we have to go back for… erm, for a new adventure!'  
'New adventure, my foot! We haven't been doing anything since Nuts and Bolts!'  
'Er, guys?' Tooty said. 'I'm sure that our friends are missing us.'  
Kazooie looked at Banjo. 'Alright then, but make it snappy. I hate leaving, because everyone expects you to hug them and stuff… icky business…'  
'Guys,' Banjo announced. Everybody looked his way. 'Fare you well, I must be leaving for Spiral Mountain.' He almost cried. He loved this place. It held so much memories to him.  
'Banjo, hurry up,' Kazooie growled.  
'So eh, we've had a lot of fun, thanks for that, but we must be leaving now,' he made an attempt to walk off, his sister following behind him.  
'Goodbye!' called everyone.  
'Goodbye! Call us some day!'  
'See ya!'  
Soon enough team Banjo disappeared from sight.  
'I'll miss them,' Pipsy admitted.  
'Yeah, I know, they're a good folk,' Timber said.  
'And what about Conker? Wasn't he king?' Bumper called. Indeed, Conker was still king of all the land, though he didn't look much like it. He just stood there in all his squirrely glory.  
'Of course, I know,' the squirrel mumbled. 'But… my boat's still there. Oh.'  
He walked over to his boat, which strangely was still intact.  
'Well, good luck managing this island, and I'll remember you guys! Give my regards to Diddy if you ever see him again…'  
He attempted to start the motorboat when suddenly Pipsy ran to him, and hugged him.  
'Oh, promise you won't forget me,' she mumbled. 'I'll miss you,'  
'Forget you? I never will,' Conker whispered. 'Take care now,'  
They stared into each other's eyes, holding hands for a while until the mouse girl walked back to the others.  
'Why are you crying?' Timber asked.  
'Oh, he's changed so much… so… mature and handsome…'  
Timber cocked an eyebrow. Mature and handsome, tch! He was much more handsome than that mangy squirrel. 'Well, glad that he ain't staying here, then,' he said with little interest.  
'Timber! That's not the way to be talking about our old friends.' Pipsy scolded him.  
'..sorry.'  
'See ya, guys!' Conker finally called from his boat, just before the thing sped away over the waves.  
'Goodbye!'  
'See you!'  
'Keep in touch!'  
He looked behind him one more time and saw everybody waving at him, smiling. Even Timber.  
'Goodbye, guys.' He called one more time, and once again, Timber's Island became just a memory.

'Here we are… home.' He muttered. It was still raining, though not as bad as before, and the sun shone. A brilliant rainbow was up in the sky.  
He made a run for his old house. When he opened the door, nobody was there. He could've known. He grabbed an umbrella and went back to the castle where he was king. He did not want to, initially, but it was probably the best thing to do.  
'Good evening, sire,' a weasel guard remarked as soon as Conker arrived.  
'There's somebody in this castle searching for you,' another guard said. 'About… I dunno, about berries or somethin'.'  
Conker's eyes widened. 'Somebody inside? Oh my…'  
Quickly he ran through the polished marble of the castle, only to almost lose his footing. When he neared his throne room, he felt his heart pounding.  
'This can't be, right? It's all just a memory…'  
'Conker? Is that… you?'  
He did not believe his eyes. This was almost too good to be true. Before his throne was standing his very own girlfriend, just like she did before she was killed.  
'…alright, I'm dead,' he said. 'Berri? Is… is that you? Really you? Man, This is just too good to be true! Ha!'  
He ran over to his old girlfriend and attempted to hug her. Though she was still taller than him, resulting in an awkward situation. Upon this she just picked him up and kissed him. He felt like he was melting into a gooey puddle of liquid joy at first, but then he continued the making-out session, all while both were saying how much they loved each other.  
'Oh, I love you and I'm so sorry but I love you… I love you…' he uttered after a while. 'I cannot believe this…'  
'Neither can I,' Berri admitted. 'Being dead is, like, no fun, y'know?'  
He stepped back to look his love in the eyes. He wanted to ask something for the longest time now. It would've been better to keep it for later but he couldn't help himself.  
'Can you… put me down?'  
Berri let him go.  
'I'm king now, and I want to ask…'  
This would be hard. How would she react, even? And how would he bring it? He didn't know anything about… what was it called again, proposals. He saw something in a movie once, but that was so different! And I bet that guy wasn't a king, he thought. But he was sure it would work anyway.  
He went down on one knee.  
'Will… will you be my queen?' he finally said.  
She gasped, and for a moment, she just stared at him in wild disbelief. But then, she smiled. 'Oh… Conker…'

A few weeks later, over at Timber's Island, everything was going well, for the first time in months. Timber and Pipsy spend more time together than usual, and were lying in the grass together, looking at the sky. They were cloud-spotting.  
'That cloud looks like an elephant,' Pipsy said, pointing at the sky.  
Timber looked closely. 'Huh. That one looks like a crocodile.'  
'And that one looks like a baby!'  
Timber looked at Pipsy for a moment in wild amazement.  
'…What? It's just a cloud.'  
The tiger looked into the blue sky again.  
'And that one looks like a bird!'  
'Eh, actually, it is a bird.'  
Pipsy frowned while Timber grinned.  
'What, it looks like a cloud…'  
Suddenly, Bumper came hurrying towards the two. He was holding a note that was formally wrapped.  
'Guys!' he panted, handing the note over. 'A bird just dumped this over at my workshop, it's addressed to you… but will you excuse me, I need to attend to our guests. Tiptup ran away, Krunch is eating all the food and Drumstick is about to slip on a banana peel…'  
And thus, he ran away as quickly as he came.  
'Always in a hurry now, eh?' Timber said. 'But really now, a note? I wonder what that means?'  
He unwrapped it and started reading.  
'Oh… we're… invited for a wedding?'  
'Who? Oooh.'  
'And we can take all our friends! Oh, that's insanely awesome!'  
Timber sighed. The two of them had almost forgotten about the dark times when Honker took over. Now they could go wherever they wanted without lightning raining down, and a lot of old friends of them had returned to race just like all those years before. 'How far he has come… it seemed like yesterday that we were arguing about you.'  
'Yeah, I know,' Pipsy said, reading the note.  
'You're… you're not mad? I thought you an' him had, you know, something…' Timber began.  
'Oh yes, we had, but he's happier now, and that's all that matters, right? And I've got you. One guy's more than enough for me,'  
The two stared at the sky for a couple of minutes.  
'…I still think he needs to go on a diet, though.'  
'Timber!'

_The Skies Somewhere Above the Isle o' Hags_

_Honker was angrily pacing about on the afterlife's ground, for as far as it could be called ground, anyway. He felt bitter anger towards his mortal enemy, who defeated him yet again… and sent him into the afterlife, no less. He kept complaining about being too awesome to die.  
The Grim Reaper didn't approve of his quarreling.  
'Well, bloody hell, shut up and go annoy someone else for a while. I've heard the Great Mighty Poo is wanting some company. Probably to throw shit at. I dunno. So shut it!'  
'It's unfair! I'm, like, the best villain since -'  
'You're not even canon so consider yourself lucky you haven't been retconned.'  
Honker frowned and looked down upon the Isle, where everybody was still having fun in the late autumn sun. After a while, he smiled. Wickedly, like villains usually do.  
'I'll get my revenge! Just you all wait until Scourge of the Island 2!'_

R: The End. 8D


End file.
